The Emptiness That Speaks: How Childhood Neglect Shapes Your Life

The Friday Edition | No. 24

The Emptiness That Speaks: How Childhood Neglect Shapes Your Life

Neglect. Imagine a sheet of paper and see the word neglect in the middle of the page. Notice the space around it. The white emptiness of the paper is stark and unattached to the word. “Neglect” sits there in solitary isolation, unhemmed, unheld, disconnected, floating in a sea of white nothingness. It remains alone, without any other words or punctuation that could give it more life, infuse it with meaning, and thereby pull it into a paragraph of surrounding and connected text.

This visual metaphor of "neglect" in a vacuum reflects the stark emptiness and isolation experienced by those who have endured it. Just as the word remains disconnected on the page, people who have suffered neglect may feel detached and isolated. The absence of emotional support, care, and belonging in their lives creates a void, much like the empty space surrounding the word. The challenge lies in finding the means to integrate their experiences into a broader narrative of healing and growth, transforming their lives from a single word into a more complete and meaningful story.

The simple definition of neglect:

Childhood neglect is like an enduring, unfulfilled quest to discover refuge in a maternal or paternal figure. It's a profound yearning for safety, emotional connection within a family unit, and belonging to one's familial tribe. For a child, neglect manifests as a persistent void, a sense of isolation from those around them, and an intense longing for love, protection, and the feeling of being a vital part of the family structure. This need for reassurance, safety, and a sense of significance creates an ongoing search that is key to a growing child's development.

Yet, as a child, one may not fully grasp the specific nature of this need, except for its intrinsic essence: the love and acceptance of another individual, typically a parent or guardian, the adult in close proximity. This remains true even for foster children or those who are adopted; they still instinctively look to the nearest adult figure to provide an umbrella of love and acceptance. The question lingers: does that adult have the ability to offer unconditional love? Can they show another – an innocent, vulnerable child that love is the nourishment required, the essential essence that every human needs and craves, regardless of age, and especially during infancy, childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood?

If your parents’ faces never lit up when they looked at you, it’s hard to know what it feels like to be loved and cherished. If you come from an incomprehensible world filled with secrecy and fear, it’s almost impossible to find the words to express what you have endured. If you grew up unwanted and ignored, it is a major challenge to develop a visceral sense of agency and self-worth.

_Bessel A. van der Kolk, “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma”