When “Normal” Doesn’t Fit: How to Develop Self-Love and Nurture a Soft Place To Fall

The Friday Edition | No. 12

When “Normal” Doesn’t Fit: How to Develop Self-Love and Nurture a Soft Place To Fall

Self-love… what? What is the path to self-love when I have only known suffering, abuse, fear, and survival? How do I access this space that allows me to hold myself with compassion, love, and kindness when I have not known this kind of nurturing and how it feels to be loved and cared for in this way?

For so many of us, surviving each day, keeping a roof over our heads, staying consistent, and staving off fears and anxieties, triggers and downward spirals that threaten to upend our health and sanity is a full-time gig. The simple act of tending to the everyday needs of life is more than enough to keep us moving forward and able to get to the next day, or the next hour or minute. How do we or how can we add this other task and element of healing to our to-do list?

Maybe we have a therapist or counselor we speak with and this healing helps and carries us through. Great – that is self-loving.

Maybe we have a mindfulness practice where we stay as present as we can throughout the day, and meditate regularly or when we can. Wonderful – that is self-loving.

Maybe we volunteer and give back when we are able and that expands our hearts, makes us feel good, and affirms that when we help others, we are helping ourselves. Perfect – that is self-loving.

There are so many ways to find and nurture self-love within us and to make that an inward-facing action of compassion and self-care. But there can also be a gap in our understanding, need, and willingness in how we care for and nurture ourselves because it has not been modeled to us and for us. For many who suffered childhood trauma and neglect – especially at the hands of a deeply narcissistic parent/guardian, and extended family we were only allowed to attend to their needs and wants – ours were quashed, manipulated, and made irrelevant and wrong in the face of a tyrannical narcissist or abusive parent. How do we come home to our vulnerable selves when we are not sure of our own wants and needs because we have become so accustomed to neglecting, betraying, and dismissing ourselves in the course of a day?

We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.

_Carl Jung, “The Undiscovered Self: The Dilemma of the Individual in Modern Society”

Growing up and into adulthood, I watched friends who had loving parents and families and how they responded to life. Fears, upsets, or anxiety may arise for them from a failed relationship, life event, or random occurrence, and they are, of course, devastated, in tears at times, frustrated, and scared. But their ability to move through it and find a way back into the ease and normal cycles of life, and carry on has always left me curious and jealous more times than I can count. It is a far cry from how I plummet to the deepest depths of despair and wonder how to come back and live again – how to climb back out of this bottomless pit of overwhelming feelings and terrifying sensations that weigh more than I could possibly ever carry.