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Letting Go of Habituated Stress & Discovering a Peaceful Normal (includes 6-minute guided meditation)
I often delve into the workings of the mind: our thoughts, feelings, and emotions, because the mind is often the very source of our pain and suffering. While external events can trigger these inner turmoils, they are ultimately left in our care to tend, manage, and cope with. Our self-care routines can often falter, and self-love can be sabotaged when our critical inner voice takes over, remains unchecked, and is allowed to run rampant.
However, it is also through our responses to upsets and triggers that we can access our deepest and most wounded aspects. Here, we can begin the gentle practice of befriending ourselves, respecting our pain, and holding our own hand through discomfort. In this space, we can learn to comfort ourselves, find relief in our loving awareness, and embrace compassionate presence. This is where long-term healing and transformation take place – a synergy of learning how to stop normalizing stressful times and begin to love the slow, quiet, and peaceful moments without fear or skepticism of what may lurk around the corner, poised to upend our tranquility. We become our own loving healers and guides on this journey.
For those habituated to high levels of internal stress since early childhood, it is the absence of stress that creates unease, evoking boredom and a sense of meaninglessness.
_Gabor Maté, “When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection”
By normalizing stress and jumping into “fight or flight” mode at the slightest twinge of discomfort, the habituated mind can provide respite when overcoming a scary time, dealing with a stressful situation, or managing unexpected expenses when our bank account falls short. Our exquisite mind creates ways of coping, automatically managing scary and unexpected things with precision. Even when we still feel anxiety or worry, the tightening of our chest, or shallow breathing, our mind quietly manages the stress response in the background. When faced with repeated situations, our mind creates a habit out of the stress response, making it automatic and barely noticeable.
This raises an important question: are these habitual stress responses – running behind the scenes of our busy physical world, actually helpful – or harmful?
Gabor Maté’s quote highlights how our mind normalizes stress to cope with daily life. While this coping mechanism may initially seem helpful, our mind’s auto-pilot settings can become so ingrained that we become numb to our own responses to life. We may even find ourselves reacting with fear when we encounter moments of calm and ease – simply because they feel foreign. Our mind hasn’t normalized tranquility, relaxed states, and peaceful times as safe or “good.” In fact, in these calm moments, we become skeptical and scared of “what comes next,” anticipating that something will come to shatter our contentment into a million pieces. We may even create stress and anxiety just to return to our familiar sense of “normalcy” by removing any uncertainties and embracing the inevitability of shocking and stressful moments. We do this as a way to feel in control and embrace skepticism as a way of minimizing the shock of hardship and traumatizing events.
Unfortunately, it is a reality many of us face. I’ve had smooth, calm periods where everything was going well, yet I felt uneasy, worried, listless, and lost. It made me realize how much time I’ve spent in the ocean of stress and chaos, and how “at home” I am in that state. Stress keeps me energized, prepared, and ready to handle many things at once. Life feels more inspired, fast, and lively. Despite my efforts to meditate, take time for myself, and cultivate awareness, I’ve discovered another layer – this habituated state of being that traces back to my childhood. It's both saddening and liberating to understand how long I've coped in this way. I am grateful to have this understanding now and to be able to share it with you.
My childhood was chronically stressful and dysfunctional. Without going into detail, I can say I oscillated between chaotic, terrifying times with my mother, and times when the clouds parted, and the world seemed bright and hopeful. During those hopeful times, I felt relief and hope that everything was safe and that I could rest and recover. I would move closer to my mother, seeking the happiness and safety that seemed possible in that bright, hopeful time. But there was always a tripwire. I never knew when it would go off, but when I became too vulnerable and happy, she would turn on me, plunging me back into a dark abyss of chaos, fear, and confusion.
Through this, I realized how “addicted to hope” I had become. In my dark prison, I constantly sought glimpses of any small acts of kindness, hoping they would return along with a gentler world and humane parent. I hoped fervently, clinging to every look, glance, action, or kind word, viewing them as crumbs of relief for my Pavlovian mind. These crumbs kept me alive during the darkest and scariest times. When life was calm and comfortable, I felt scared, uncertain, and lost. I didn’t realize it then, but I sabotaged my own happiness for years because my habituated mind was waiting and anticipating everything to come crashing down. When it inevitably did, my adrenaline kicked in and a super-version of myself tried to piece everything back together – just as I had always done.
It's a game – a way of coping with high-stress situations and terrifying times. In those moments we are thrown into the storm, forced to rely on ourselves to survive. Our mind problem-solves, deciding what needs to happen next. It is a beautiful testament to the innate wisdom we carry within us – the ability to regulate and cope with chaotic storms and inconceivable uncertainties.
During times of stress, we normalize the worst parts of life because that’s what we survive. It leaves an indelible imprint in our mind, body, and spirit. There’s a power in surviving something frightening – our mind and body respond, and we live to see another day. There’s an achievement in this – a Pavlovian response that says “Good job – look what you and your mind and body just did! You survived something terrifying and life-threatening!” It is no wonder we become so habituated to certain coping mechanisms that have saved us – they carry on, often without our awareness.
My example speaks of an intensely stressful situation that began in childhood and lasted for years. I carried the torch for it, manifesting other areas of my life that would feed this habit. It extended into my adult years, and I still find areas that are still on automatic pilot.
While I often speak about complex trauma (CPTSD), it is important to emphasize that these coping behaviors affect everyone. From soldiers on intense tours of duty, to the single mom juggling work, child care, and finances. The stress of today’s world affects us all. As an expert “coper” and “survivalist,” I wanted to shed light on how we can begin to normalize peace and calm rather than anxiety and stress.
When life is calm and you feel uneasy, it is an opportunity to assess whether you are habituated to stress. What is your “normal”? Are you sabotaging your peace by falling back into old habits?
This is the perfect time to reinvest in your happiness and establish a new normal – one filled with blue skies and sunlit days. Embrace calm moments with your favorite hobbies, naps, meditation, or journaling. Reconnect with activities you have set aside, whether it’s painting, photography, or something new. The possibilities are endless.
When stress comes, shift your awareness from your racing thoughts and ask, “What would make me happy or bring me relief in this moment?” Then move toward that place of relief. Even in moments of struggle, when you’re torn between options, choose the path that brings you relief in the present. Struggle only perpetuates more struggle. Find the opening beyond struggle by finding what brings you relief – even if it is a small thing – a piece of chocolate, a drive with the windows down, or basking in the sun. Savor that relief, and express gratitude for it.
As we move forward, let us remember: moments of calm and ease are not to be feared but cherished. They offer us a chance to heal, to rediscover ourselves, and to rekindle our innate capacity for joy. By consciously choosing relief and happiness in these moments, we can reshape our responses and cultivate a life where blue skies and sunny days are not the exception but the norm.
Join me now for a guided beach meditation, pause for a brief moment, and go on a tranquil journey to an ocean beach. A place where the rhythmic sounds of the waves and the gentle breeze will guide you toward realizing the power you hold within you to find calm and resilience. You will begin to normalize a state of deep serenity, reminding you that amidst life’s crashing waves, you can always return to a place of inner calm.
To read or explore more please reference this publications resource list:
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