Haunted: The Recurring Horrors of CPTSD
Haunted: The Recurring Horrors of CPTSD
The Friday Edition | No. 6 (REPLAY)
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Haunted: The Recurring Horrors of CPTSD
It’s that time of the year – scary ghost stories, eerie face masks and costumes, and tricks and treats. Yet while it feels natural to be with the frightening images and ghost stories that come with Halloween / All Hallows Eve, for those with complex trauma every day is filled with recurring horrors. We deal with the ghosts of the past that rattle us awake in our sleep, haunt our thoughts, and frighten us even in the light of day. We face zombie-like apparitions waiting in every corner of our world, and a looming fog of confusion filling our mind and body – obscuring clarity and truth. These things are all too real and just a part of living with CPTSD.
Those who have experienced repetitive trauma as a child, live with complex trauma and the associated fallout of CPTSD as an adult, know all too well the voices that howl old stories and negative thoughts at any time, day or night. These internalized voices and old images grow larger and scarier and replay to remind us of the terrifying experiences and dangers we endured.
Complex trauma can feel like a rolling snowball – gathering bulk and speed as life goes on. It picks up every hurt, pain, slight, abusive word, action, and deed along the way. When old wounds are triggered, present-day trauma piles on, adding to the growing mass of dread, anxiety, hopelessness, and futility. Adulting with CPTSD can feel like one more thing we must endure and survive.
A child surviving repetitive abuse will develop skills like hypervigilance and hyper-attunement. These skills along with subconscious narratives and stored physical trauma, manifest in adulthood, making everyone seem like a threat to some degree. Walking into a crowded room can be overwhelming, yet we must interact with the world. In these moments, hypervigilance becomes our secret superpower, scanning for threats and exit strategies.
Survivors of abuse are haunted by the ghosts of the past – triggered in broad daylight by the actions of others and the fallout of everyday events. Every day can feel like a haunted house, where we never know what is around the next corner, or who will startle us or trigger old wounds. As an adult survivor of childhood and longstanding trauma, it can feel as if you are being followed, stared at for longer than is comfortable and at risk of being hurt again. There is an ever-present sensation of the same eyes of an abuser in a stranger’s glance.
When feeling empowered and safe, it is easier to be more comfortable in your surroundings and with meeting new people or being in crowded situations. But for many with CPTSD, being out in the world during flashbacks, dissociative episodes, or anxious states can feel nearly impossible. In these troughs of insecurity, which can last days or even months or years, our brains tend to see everyone from the perspective of danger. In these dark times, the haunting and abusive trauma patterns will create stories in our minds about those we encounter, and affirm the feeling that we are still under attack, and everyone is a threat. The familiarity of those eyes that watch us no matter where we are can keep us hiding, adhering only to the necessities of life, and making quick trips into public places before we retreat to safe spaces because nothing feels safe or secure.
David Whyte, author, and poet describes this protective insight. Hiding, he explains, is a way of surviving until we are ready to be seen, and is a universal, unique, and often necessary response to life:
Hiding is a way of staying alive. Hiding is a way of holding ourselves until we are ready to come into the light. Hiding is one of the brilliant and virtuoso practices of almost every part of the natural world: the protective quiet of an icy northern landscape, the held bud of a future summer rose, the snowbound internal pulse of the hibernating bear. Hiding is underestimated.
It is not uncommon to be triggered by someone that we encounter even when they are not our abusers but we still feel threatened and may see them, and react to them in the same way as our abusers. These are the moments when pausing to notice that they are not the ones that hurt us is important to get clear about. We must be brave enough to step into the present and see with new eyes, and an open heart. With a fresh perspective, we can begin to heal ourselves, develop healthy relationships with others, and find ways to tame our haunted bodies, minds, and souls.
It is also an opportunity to remind yourself that the past is gone, the future is not here yet, and you are standing firmly in the present moment. Being present is a great way to ground yourself, take up space fully in your body, and stand firm in your power. These are the moments to begin rebuilding your boundaries, and embracing your worthiness to see things truly. To stop negative and critical inner thoughts and stories, and bring light to the dark places and scary apparitions that still haunt you.
It can be frustrating as an adult to try and manage the negative scripts arising in our thoughts and stay focused on positive approaches and outcomes: affirmations, mindfulness, meditation, focusing on the positive to stay focused on trust, self-love, abundance, gratitude, and productive outcomes. Yet, much of the time the hope of these constructive efforts and ways of being fall apart in the midst of another flashback, dissociative episode, abusive situation, or encounter with another person. It feels foolhardy, at times, to keep hoping and stay positive when things always end up right back in the scary hollows of an old world. This triggers years of deep disappointment and pushes us into the dark realm of learned helplessness.
The subconscious mind of the trauma survivor holds old trauma patterns – the ancient and fearful fragments of the past that keep us chained in the present. These patterns lie hidden but active just under the surface of our conscious thoughts and create a ripple effect that expands into our present circumstances. These subconscious reverberations of childhood trauma and the growing layers of trauma are still at play in our world today - hence the feeling of being haunted, stalked, and constantly under threat.
Affirmations such as “I am loved” or “I am safe” may sound powerful, but to a wounded inner child who does not yet feel loved or safe, they can feel hollow. The affirmation is blocked at the subconscious level by our protective gatekeeper and cannot be accepted or assimilated. If we soften the affirmation with soft lead-in language we can bypass resistance: “I am opening to being loved”, “I am moving towards knowing that I am loved”, “I am learning to feel safe,” or “I am becoming more comfortable and safe in my mind, body, and world.” Gradually, as we embody these words, we begin to rebuild boundaries, nurture self-worth, and invite healing to take root.
Living with CPTSD can feel like a looming darkness descending over us. Yet moments of healing, love, and transformation do emerge. There is beauty in this contrast, though it is woven with threads of agony that no one should have to endure. We carry on like seasoned warriors, growing stronger through each haunting we face. To close, I’ve included a poem, “The Thread of Agony,” reflecting the endless unwinding journey of complex trauma.
Blessings & balm sweet one. Go feel adored.
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