A Big Change & Coming Home to Myself

Photo: A new perspective on an old way of life. Bannack Ghost Town, Dillon, Montana (2017) Copyright SJPhotography

A Big Change & Coming Home to Myself

Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river.

_Lao Tzu, “Tao Te Ching”

I recently moved from a beautiful, sparsely populated natural setting, surrounded by mountains and wilderness in every direction. Life there was simple, with limited choices, and most people lived a "what you see is what you get" (WYSIWYG) kind of life—no muss, no fuss. Now, I've relocated to a bustling, densely populated area filled with countless choices and endless opportunities. It is a world of busyness, constant doings, and materialistic pursuits, with access to whatever the heart desires. I am finding this switch challenging and overwhelming at times. While I don't regret my move, I do miss my mountains and the calmer, quieter, slower pace of life.

Much of what has changed is my ability to “go with the flow” without the need to justify every decision. I underestimated my ability to stay grounded, and confident in this new environment. It is lovely to reconnect with familiar faces and be near loved ones – but everyone has questions. I find myself having to explain my every decision – and have answers and find words for conversation – explaining myself, adhering to a clock, and bundling activities together to fit in everything while keeping mileage and expenditures to a minimum is exhausting.

I woke up confused one morning, wondering where I was, what I was doing, and why I was feeling so overwhelmed again. I realized it was because I was trying to answer everyone’s questions and explain the “Why” of my move and life. The “Why?” of it all seems to have grown in importance from where I was to where I am now. I understand that those who love and care about me are interested in what I am doing; curious about my move, my next steps, and what I’ve been up to but I lost myself in feeling the need to clarify myself and find all the words and answers to “Why?”

I realized that how I lived before is very different from where I am now. In just doing, there was no need to think about the reasons for every decision or understand why I was doing this or that, or going here or there. There were no words, or explanations to give and so my thoughts were quiet – my mental noise was calm. It seems like such a luxury now – this subtlety of living and being. I undervalued the importance of this simplicity, and how conscious, grounded, and alive it made me feel.

Never complain. Never explain.

_Katharine Hepburn, “Me: Stories of My Life”